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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

FSB Taking a New Dig at Chechen Insurgents

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One day Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin was sorting through his collection of sacred objects. Vladimir Vladimirovich carefully laid out Shamil Basayev's leg, Ruslan Gelayev's arm and two platinum eggs embossed with golden double-headed eagles. One of the eggs contained the death of Kashcheyev; the other contained the death of Basayev. Next to them lay the pistol used to murder one-hit wonder Igor Vladimirovich Talkov back in the early 1990s. The presidential fishing lures were lined up separately on the desk: one lure made from bison horn, one from Incan gold, one from the teeth of the Chechen resistance, one from fragments of the European Mars probe caught in the Russian space net shortly after launch, several lures made from fallen Ukrainian missiles and a last lure made from metal removed from the eleventh column of the collapsed Transvaal water park.

"I haven't added anything to my collection in a long time," mumbled Vladimir Vladimirovich. He pushed a button on his intercom and called Federal Security Service chief Nikolai Platonovich Patrushev.

"Listen up, pal," said Vladimir Vladimirovich. "I need something for my collection. Have you got anything that fits the bill?"

"Nothing right at the moment," Nikolai Platonovich replied. "First Shamil's dying, then he's rising from the dead. You just never know with that guy. I suppose we could go after Osama."

"No good," Vladimir Vladimirovich said. "Bush called me up and started shouting: 'He's mine! He's mine!' So I worked out a deal with the cowboys: I don't catch Osama, and they don't get all worked up about democracy."

Nikolai Platonovich thought hard. "Hmmm. They didn't hand over Khattab to us. That just leaves Salman Raduyev, but we'd have to dig him up."

"So what?" Vladimir Vladimirovich said. "Let's dig him up. We'll say it's for some kind of scientific tests. Maybe he's got a sacred bone. There's gotta be something!"

"He's got a steel plate in his noggin," Nikolai Platonovich said.

"Beautiful!" exclaimed Vladimir Vladimirovich . "Let's dig him up!"

"By the way," Nikolai Platonovich said, lowering his voice. "There's a rumor making the rounds that the plate in his head is made from the plutonium that the Chechens need to make their atomic bomb."

"Get outta here!" Vladimir Vladimirovich said.

"That's the word," Nikolai Platonovich replied mysteriously.

"Break out the shovels!" Vladimir Vladimirovich ordered.

"Yes, sir," said Nikolai Platonovich.

Maxim Kononenko's satirical vignettes are found on his web site,