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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

Open Letter to Jorge W. Bush: A First Draft

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"The English-language version of the [Mestniye youth group's] letter provided to the media was addressed to U.S. Ambassador William Burns and 'the President of the United States Jorge W. Bush...'"

Stephen Boykewich,
Moscow Times, Dec. 13, 2005

Esteemed Presidente Jorge W. Bush!

Hola! Seasonal greeting, Feliz Navidad and so on to you and your compadres, Vice Presidente Ricardo B. Cheney and Secretario del Estado Condoliz-, Condaleez-, Rosarita Rice. Oh, and to your family, too, especially las twin hijas, Jenna y Barbara, whom some of us would like to acquaint with better. Personally I like Barbara, with the fewer arrests. Que buena!

Now that we have your attention: Look, we are NOT a pretend youth group of bussed-in students who got 50 rubles, box lunch and a day off from school. That is NOT true, you could ask anybody. Start with Tolya. He will be on my right in the pictures, the really loud shouting guy.

OK, we do get off from school, which is really good, I had a book report due in Spanish: Idylls of Lope de Vega. Tolik says it's dumb to do Lope de Vega-- do Viva Las Vegas. He's the one that's dumb. Anyway, I don't like the Spanish classes, they can be confusing up my English. Carramba!

But we should NOT be "Artifical Youth Organization No. 13" on the Boykewich list. We are WAY higher. Anyway, to the main point: Stop reading us lectures about democracy and stuff! We got off from school for what -- more lectures?!? And especially from YOU, with your muy stupido foreign policy! I mean, whoa muchacho, look at the Irak thing. Like Ricky Ricardo say: Jorge, you got some splainin' to do!

And here's irony for your balanced diet: half the people in your embassy agree with us! Maybe more! Hombre, your policies, some of 'em stink so bad they make phony youth group bull horn shouting seem like sensible protest! Ay-ay-ay!

Look, when they call lunch I have to go. There's going to be, y'know, ecological terrorism going on at Krasnopresnenskaya 13, second floor, room 11, and we have to go put it out. And I don't want to be near the end of the line again -- last time they ran out of bills and gave me and Tolik and Stas the first 40 in 10-spots but the last 10 in 50-kopek coins. Makes you feel like a bomzh for chrissakes.

OK, that's it. Long live the Constitution! And no more lectures for us! And especially for me, in Spanish!

[Name illegible],
Mestniye Leader

Discovered in a trash bin behind his apartment building by opinion page editor Mark H. Teeter.