Get the latest updates as we post them — right on your browser

. Last Updated: 07/27/2016


Earth vs. Virginia

The world is under attack from dark, black, triangles, and if no one else cares, Larry Bryant at least is going to do something about it.

Bryant has headed straight to the top, filing a lawsuit on behalf of all people of the planet Earth against Virginia Governor James Gilmore III. Bryant says Gilmore has failed in his U.S. constitutional duty to protect the commonwealth from attack f in this case, extraterrestrial attack.

The lawsuit asks Gilmore to stop pussying around and take action to prevent attacks and abductions by space aliens, reports, by convening a special grand jury to collect and analyze evidence of "clandestine" UFO landings and abductions of Virginians.

Other ideas include a Virginia Army National Guard "Quick Reaction Force" to fight the triangles, which have been buzzing the Virginia skies "sometimes scaring the natives," said Bryant.

The "obviously technologically alien craft" have been invading federal airspace. And what has Gilmore done to put a stop to it? Nothing. "To put your head in the sand as a governor," says Bryant, "to my mind, that's dereliction of duty."

Gloucester Breeds

Meanwhile in Gloucester, England, the world is on a different plane, according to the web site. The site leads with Ginger the rampant hamster, who "will probably spend Father's Day ? with his paws up after siring an amazing 29 babies in the last two months."

In a hamster love triangle, first-love Hayley gave birth to 14 young in April, which was believed to have been a U.K. record at the time. Then two weeks later, Ginger's other love Pinkie popped out 15 cheek-packers just to spite Hayley.

Ginger is now reported to be sleeping a lot after his endeavors.

"He's just THE hamster. He's the man," said Dan Hale, a friend of the owner, knowing he would definitely be quoted. "Perhaps it's Gloucester water."

The world record for hamster births was 26, all born to a hamster in the United States in 1974.

Suck of the New

Back in the United States, the town of Central Point, Oregon, is wearing extra thick socks after local police officer Ken Marksbury wandered round tying to suck women's toes

Marksbury was off duty when the reported toe-attacks occurred. The victims were first a bar tender, and then an espresso stand operator.

"When he was repulsed he left the bar and went across the street to an espresso stand and got a hold of the girl's foot and forcibly started to suck her toes," said William Marshall, senior deputy district attorney for Douglas County and well-known in Central Point as a collector of useless additional information. "The woman was wearing sandals," added Marshall.

After the alleged toe-sucking attacks, the officer tried to speed away in his car, then struck a stop sign and stopped.

Jonathan Seagull, a Git

And just off Wellington Street, Gloucester parkling lot attendant Don Weston is having a different problem. The seagull that has been pooping on his head all summer for the last five years has returned this time with a friend, reports.

"When the seagull dive-bombs me, I duck out of the way," said Weston. "But as I get up again, his mate hits me on the head."

Both gulls, according to Weston, keep a lookout for him from the roof of a nearby building.

Crowds of people now gather every summer to see Weston get shat on.

"He has sussed I'm moving slower than I used to and knows I'm an easy target," said Weston, who wrote a book about the seagull, dubbed the Wellington Bomber. "He waits for me to get out of the car and attacks. Yet according to children, he's the hero these days and I'm the baddie."

Tooth for Tea, Tea for ?

A new study at Chicago's Field Museum has shown that two lions that killed and ate 135 railway workers in Kenya in 1898 may have suffered from extremely painful toothaches.

The lions, who were too scared to go to the dentist, found themselves unable to take down large animals, according to researchers at the museum.

"Humans are easy prey. We're very slow, we don't hear very well and we don't see very well in the dark," said museum zoologist Bruce Patterson, according to The Associated Press.

One lion's canine teeth were so brittle he couldn't "take the 'killing bite' through a small animal's spinal column or clamp the windpipe of a larger animal," but could just about tear the heart out of an emaciated railway worker when slightly peckish, said the report.

The other lion had a chipped tooth. The museum's third lion, which killed six people in 1991 in Zambia, had a chronic jaw infection, and the fourth, which roamed the plains of Clapham, in southeast London, in the early 1960s munching on commuters, was frankly just pissed off after a bad day at work and with, you know, that feeling you get when you just want to bite somebody's head off and chew on their innards, said the report.

Cat Attack

And back to Gloucester, where another possible front-page is the story of Covie the cat, who almost died after jumping into the tumble dryer for 15 minutes. Fifty revolutions a minute at 100 degrees Celsius later and Covie came out as a "ball of fluff covered in blood," according to owner Tony Savge.

Rushed to the vet, the cat survived.

"Having never faced the prospect of treating a tumble-dried cat before, I didn't know quite what to expect," said the vet, Rhian Williams. "The first 12 hours were crucial. But she responded and miraculously had no broken bones."

The only injury the cat had, reported ominously, was a broken tooth.