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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

GLOBAL EYE




Down by Law


Politics makes strange bedfellows, as they say, but the latest instance of electoral intimacy approaches the sublime in its surreality. Campaign records released last week show that one of the largest contributors to Hillary Clinton's New York Senate campaign is the high-powered law firm Kirkland & Ellis, best-known for the investigative proclivities of one of its top partners - a certain Kenneth Starr.


In fact, Starr's firm has put far more in Hillary's pocket than any other law firm in the country: $32,000 in the first quarter of this year alone, The Independent reports. But the cohorts of wrathful Ken - avenging Ahab to Bill Clinton's elusive white whale - have contributed nary a groschen to Hillary's opponent, the unimpeachably Republican Rudy Giuliani.


Starr, uncharacteristically, had no comment (not even the usual anonymous leaks to the favored journalists who carried so much water for him during his long and unsuccessful impeachment crusade). One of his Kirkland partners, Majorie Lindblom, had plenty to say, however. "I think Hillary would be a wonderful senator," Lindblom declared. "She's intelligent, compassionate and I think she'd be a strong voice for New York state."


In fact, some industry observers said the firm's Hillary-helping may be intended as an implicit rebuke to their feisty little colleague and his sexual obsessions.


Or maybe they just don't want to go down with the ship. After all, that white whale is still splashing around out there.


Fowl Papers


Still reeling from the stench of corruption issuing from the dark underbelly of the disgraced and discarded Helmut Kohl regime, Germany's conservative establishment was rocked again last week by revelations that its house organ, leading newspaper Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung, has been infiltrated by a cabal of subversives who for 10 years have been smuggling in cryptic references to the teachings of their revered leader: Donald Duck.


A probe by Der Spiegel magazine revealed that in one recent issue, at least 10 headlines and captions were lifted directly from Donald Duck cartoons, The Guardian reports. FAZ journalists Patrick Bahners, 33 (no, not 3) and Andreas Platthaus, 34 (no, not 4), confessed they had been planting "Donaldisms" in the newspaper's feature pages for a decade - including directly into the text of articles they had written.


Platthaus said he and Bahners belonged to D.O.N.A.L.D., a society dedicated to the spluttering, spraying Disney duck. "We regard ourselves as scientists," Platthaus said. "We study life in Duckburg in much the same way that normal scientists deal with our world."


Be that as it may, the quack scientists failed to reveal how they can understand what the pantsless little blubberer is saying in the first place. Maybe manic spluttering translates better into German. That might explain a few things.


Instant Replay


It was like a trip down memory lane, a lovely excursion into 20th-century nostalgia when that grand old name from yesteryear, Pamela Lee Anderson, popped up in the news last week.


In fact, the pneumatically enhanced celebrity construction, once famous as swimsuit filler on an ancient "entertainment" program called "Baywatch," seemed caught up in an acute episode of d?j? vu, Salon magazine reports. Or was it an instance of Nietzsche's hellish eternal return? Whatever the case, it must have seemed familiar ground for our Pam, who found herself, once again, trying to quash distribution of a home sex video that she had, once again, recorded with, once again, a scuzzy heavy-metal loverboy.


This time, it wasn't her ex-husband and beater-up, Tommy Lee. (Or is he still her husband? Who can keep up with these things? Where is the Social Register when you need it?) Instead, Pammy is joining ex-boyfriend Brett Michaels, of the trog-rock conglomeration of big hair known as Poison, in an attempt to stop Internet Entertainment Group from releasing a video of the pair in steamy, seamy sexual congress. Pam's earlier foray into video fornication with Tommy has already spread throughout the Internet like some sort of cybernetic syphilis, despite the couple's long-running lawsuit to suppress it.


But it's once more into the breach, as it were. "We're in this thing together," said Michaels (somewhat redundantly, under the circumstances). "We're keeping our fingers crossed that we can shut IEG down so they don't put it out in every video store. That was not the intent when we made the video for ourselves."


Of course it wasn't, Brett: You want to be like Tommy Lee - famous solely for your valuable contribution to the world's musical heritage.


Up to Snuff


Speaking of pornography, the sheriff's department that handled the Columbine High School murder spree had quite a mess on its hands after it released a souped-up video, complete with groovy soundtrack, of the bloody crime scene - for $25 a shot, if you'll pardon the expression.


Hard-core gun fans, doom aficionados and other lovers of death porn were bound to be disappointed: The video contains no footage of actual bodies, Slate magazine reports. The sheriff's department had said the macabre material was "an instructional video" for other emergency agencies, although it contained no instruction and no narration: just streams of bloodstained footage overlaid with three songs - one of which, Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You," generated its own legal heat. McClachlan had threatened a lawsuit if the department did not remove her song.


The department has since rereleased the video sans music, at the same prices of $25. But had he been asked, Brett Michaels of Poison was reportedly ready to step in with some "killer tunes" for the soundtrack to make up for McClachlan's departure.