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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016


Mixed Nuts

When the going gets tough, the whipped go right.

Following his slap-around in the New Hampshire primary, George W. "Deer in the Headlights" Bush made a bold move this week to recapture the high moral ground in his bid for the Republican presidential nomination.

He joined the crusade against ... interracial dating.

Yes, just days after he had the silver spoon knocked out of his mouth by Senator John "Media Magnet" McCain, Bush staged a rousing rally among the righteous racialists at Bob Jones University in South Carolina, site of the next GOP primary tussle. BJU, a private Christian (sic) college, is best known for its long legal battle to maintain its God-given right to prohibit any race-mixing among the student body. (Back in the '80s, the Reagan-Bush administration gave its blessing to BJU's judicial jihad; in the end, the university renounced all federal education aid in order to maintain the racial purity of its precious bodily fluids.)

Now, you might think the klavernous konfines of Ole Bob U. would be a strange place to find a "compassionate conservative," but Bush and his $70-million-campaign juggernaut have been thrown into a tizzy by the cajone-crushing defeat in New Hampshire. Stunned that the electorate actually wanted a candidate to stand for something other than his own vague, smirking desire to be president, Bush's handlers have been scrambling to find some semblance of meat-and-bones to stuff into the empty suit of clothes they've been peddling so profitably for two years.

Finding nothing else to offer, Bush's trimmers fell back on the party's right-wing default mode: They wound George up and sent him down to Bob Jones U., where, in the cradle of American apartheid, he sang the requisite hymns to God and guns, and hurled the requisite brimstone at abortion and those "Washington insiders." (You know, like presidents and vice presidents, people like that).

In fact, Bush mouthed the word "conservative" (sans all that "compassionate" garbage) six times in the first minute of his speech, AP reports, and said nary a discouraging word about the school's strange ethno-sexual obsessions. The appearance dovetailed nicely with Bush's embrace of his staunch Carolina supporter, state Senator Arthur Ravenel, who has lately taken to calling the black civil rights group, the NAACP, the "national association of retarded people."

Well, who knows? Maybe the new "scourge of the darkies" image will play in the primary's whiter precincts, although many in the now-nervous GOP establishment saw the lurch to the right as a mark of desperation. They were not exactly reassured when, by week's end, Bush was reduced to making joint appearances with a party "heavyweight" whom he apparently thought would really impress the voters:

Dan Quayle.

Fight Club

But while the Texas Topwater was desperately trying to inflate his machismo in the swamps of Caroline, on up yonder in the West Virginia hills, another self-proclaimed "pro-gun, pro-life" GOP candidate was taking a downright two-fisted approach to electioneering.

Hoping to prevent rival candidates from outing him (in a manner of speaking, of course; tain't no pansy-boys plowing God's little GOP acre), Republican gubernatorial hopeful and professional painting contractor Joseph Oliverio held a press conference Monday and announced that he has been arrested 150 times for fighting during his 43 years on earth, AP reports.

This sterling record is not the only plank in the political pugilist's platform, of course. Oliverio also proclaimed that he'd been given 60 speeding tickets, had "inhaled" (marijuana, presumably, although the inhalant was unspecified; might have been glue, or Turtle Wax, even), "at times abused alcohol" and had his driver's license revoked for years. But, he added, "I've never done anything terrible."

"I never raped, I never murdered, I never had children out of wedlock," he said (in what might be considered a curiously unbalanced equation of heinous behavior). What's more, "I've been married for 20 years." So put that in your commie pinko pipe and smoke it, bub!

Body Blow

The deeply interesting and vital world of high fashion suffered a grievous blow this week when one of its most important personages, Miss Naomi Campbell, announced that she would no longer be gracing the catwalks for haute couture displays in New York and London, according to a report released by The Associated Press wire service.

Miss Campbell, who delivered her sad news while on a promotional tour in Australia for a new line of scent, told reporters the stresses associated with "fittings and dress rehearsals" had at last taken their toll. "I just want to chill out a bit more," she patiently explained, although, in a nod to the concerns of her fretting fans, she held out the possibility that she would continue to take part in the annual displays in Milan.

In an entirely unrelated story, released the day before, AP's wire service reported that a Miss Naomi Campbell had entered a guilty plea to charges of criminal assault against one of her many hired assistants. Miss Campbell was convicted of attacking Georgina Galanis, 40, during a fit of pique following a series of delays at the Toronto airport some time ago. Galanis, who had been in Miss Campbell's employ for nine days, was choked, slammed against a wall and rapped smartly on the head with a telephone - twice - by the overstressed supermodel.

Justice was served with admirable severity, however. In accordance with an agreement worked out between attorneys for Miss Campbell and Toronto's rigorous prosecutors, following the guilty plea by Miss Campbell - who was not required to disrupt her busy promotional schedule by actually appearing in court - the case, which ordinarily carries the penalty of a heavy fine and up to six months in prison, was entirely expunged from the books: no imprisonment, no fine, no probation, no record whatsoever.

According to reports that have not yet been entirely confirmed, the newly expunged and very well-rested Miss Campbell will shortly announce her candidacy for the Republican Party nomination to be governor of the state of West Virginia.