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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

GLOBAL EYE




Gun Play


America was still reeling this week from the aftershocks of the Colorado school shootings. Pundits, politicians and assorted pedagogues were lined up 12-deep on talk shows and op-ed pages, offering deep cultural analysis (mostly of the "those crazy kids and their jungle bebop music" variety) and apportioning the blame everywhere from unmonitored modems to joystick jousting to the bottomless bloodfest in movies and TV shows.


But while everyone was scrambling hither and yon, trying to fathom (however fatuously) the unfathomable, one group of visionaries knew exactly why the two tormented teens took to their guns: it wasn't the Internet, it wasn't "Goth rock," and God knows, it certainly wasn't the promiscuous availability of deadly weapons.


It Was Bill Clinton.


Yes, it seems Clinton himself loaded up the shotguns and personally pumped hot lead into the young, nubile bodies of the pleading victims. At least, that's the impression one might gather from the sage (not to mention sexually-obsessed) comments from many of the nation's starboard-listing statesmen.


Take for example Representative Bob Shaffer of, as it happens, Colorado. When a TV reporter asked gently if perhaps some sort of mild restraint on the sale of arms should be at least remotely contemplated in light of the killings, Shaffer pooh-poohed the question as "trivializing" the tragedy, The Guardian reports.


"Tweren't no guns nor sech what killed them younguns," the hard-right Republican said. Instead, it was the "moral decay starting at the very top of our society" f viz., the hankus-pankus in the Oval Office. Shaffer was echoed by several prominent GOP poltroons, including White House wannabes Gary Bauer, Pat Buchanan and other purveyors of rhetorical pooh-pooh.


Their bug-eyed preoccupation with sex f presidential or otherwise f continued to palpitate later in the week, when Bauer's pressure group, The Family Research Council, forthrightly condemned the "media elite" of "covering up" the Colorado killers' apocryphal "bisexuality."


So they were just a pair of pre-verts then. Thank God! That lets all your geeked-up, Monica-mad, barrel-stroking bullet worshipers off the hook, right?


Divine Comedy


Sectarian strife heated up in Ireland this week as one of the Emerald Isle's baddest lasses suddenly donned a dog collar and skirts.No, Sinead O'Connor wasn't leading a fashion flashback to the glory days of punk f she has become a Catholic priest, the BBC reports.


O'Connor, who won worldwide fame by tearing up a picture of the pope on American TV a few years back, came full circle this week in Lourdes, where she was ordained a priest by Bishop Michael Cox, leader of a breakaway Catholic sect, the Latin Tridentine Church.


The new priest f who will now take the name of "Mother Bernadette Mary" f was last seen in public two weeks ago at a memorial concert for Linda McCartney, where she delighted the crowd with her puckish (and pixilated) antics, including attempts to pull down the trousers of her male co-performers.


Mockers and unbelievers said O'Connor "bought" the priesthood with her $250,000 donation to Cox's health center in Ireland: a practice known as "simony" f the purchase of sacraments or ecclesiastical office f which caused a wee bit of to-do back in Martin Luther's day. But Mother Bernadette was positively Petrine in her denials.


"It would be a lie to say I bought my priesthood. This man would not have ordained me for any money if he had not known I had a true vocation," said Her Holiness, who last month lost custody of her child to the ex-lover she had conceived with after three days' acquaintance.


Mama B says she is now authorized to baptize, say Mass, administer last rites and generally rock the house (of God). Rome says otherwise, of course f but not because of that photo-ripping thing. "It's because she's one of them icky old girls," Vatican spokesman Guido Sarducci reportedly said.


Late Bloomers


Way down yonder in the great state of Alabama, the far-seeing Solons of the state legislature took a bold step into the future last week.


Yes, here on the cusp of the 21st century, Alabama's alabaster patriarchs have graciously decided to lift the state's ban on interracial marriages, The Associated Press reports. No more midnight shotgun parties for them uppity darkies who stain the purity of Southern bellehood; no suh, they're actually going to let the rascals live.


Now, ain't that white of 'em? Why, next thing you know, these wild-eyed radicals might let women have the right to vote or something. What is the world coming to?


Name-Calling


So you'd like to be master of your own domain, as they say? Then you'd best stop just sitting there and, well, mastering your domain, and go get thee a web site, before all the names are gone!


There are only a handful of words left that can be used as domain names for an web page (such as amazon.com, etc.) f all the rest have been bought up by enterprising Internet entrepreneurs, Wired News reports. The on-line magazine's study, quoted in The Guardian, reveals that out of a sample of 25,000 words, only 1,760 are still up for grabs.


But don't fret; there are still some real beauties out there. Think how many eager customers you will draw to your on-line site with such alluring monikers as "maggoty.com," "execrable.com," "regurgitate.com" and "absurdum.com." (In fact, we hear Gennady Zyuganov has already made a down payment on all four.)


And how is it that crowd-pleasers like "mummify.com," "nauseate.com," "syphilitic.com" and "odorous.com" are still hanging around? (Guess Gary Bauer's check hasn't cleared yet.) The list of tantalizing tags ("paralytic.com," "shitepoke.com," "carboniferous.com") goes on, so don't "woolgather.com." Act now!


Meanwhile here at the Global Eye, we're perusing the list to find the most fitting nom du domain for our own operations. We've got it narrowed down to "libelous.com" or "quackery.com" (although "horrendous.com" was an early favorite). Votes from our faithful readers (Note to editor: We can still use the plural here, right?) will be gratefully accepted, as long they are accompanied by the usual gratuity, in small bills. Dollars only, please.