Install

Get the latest updates as we post them — right on your browser

. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

GLOBAL EYE




DeLayed Reaction


This week the Republican Impeachinistas in Congress continued to denounce "Bill Clinton's War" - very much as their predecessors used to rail against "Mr. Roosevelt's War." (You remember, that "quagmire" FDR led the country into when he persecuted that poor Hitler fellow.)


Tom DeLay, the aptly titled House whip (and behind-the-scenes engine of the failed impeachment bid), stood up proudly for his Serbian soul-mate, saying that Clinton had "forced" Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic into the murderous removal of all those pesky Albanians. (DeLay, who made his fortune as an exterminator down in Texas, has a natural affinity for rigorous "cleansing" in the Milosevician manner.) He then led the charge against the war-support motion, undercutting his own ostensible leader, House Speaker Dennis "The Hapless" Hastert, who voted for it.


DeLay is not against war in principle, you understand; he just doesn't like fighting honest-to-God white folk like the Serbs. He brayed against the Democratic "chicken hawks" who supported "Clinton's war" while opposing the war in Vietnam and voting against gargantuan GOP defense budgets in the past.


DeLay had harsh words for that "draft-dodger" now in charge of the military. But what did DeLay - Clinton's contemporary - do during the Vietnam War? Sign up to fight? Throw his body on the line against those godless gooks? Kick Red butt from here to hell and back?


Not exactly. Like former Speaker Newt Gingrich and other fire-breathers, DeLay, er, dodged the draft with a college deferment, Slate Magazine reports. But it's not that he didn't want to fight. No, them mean old liberals and shiftless darkies wouldn't let him! As he explained to a GOP gathering a few years ago, it seems there were so many "minority youths" gobbling up "well-paying military positions to escape poverty and the ghetto" that there was no room left for nice white guys like DeLay.


Clearly, an ethnic warrior after Slobo's own heart.


Springtime for Hitler


But of course, DeLay wasn't the only bug-eyed hard-right honcho in action. While NRA nabob Chuck Heston was busy hurling imprecations at - who else? - Bill Clinton for threatening every American's God-given right to brandish AK-47s packed with armor-piercing bullets (for sporting purposes only, of course - like ethnically cleansing your high school of jocks), Nazi-fancier and avowed racist David Duke was shocking Louisiana with his strong showing in a Congressional run.


Duke, long a major Republican player in the state, finished a mere three percentage points shy of a runoff after campaigning on an "Aryan revolution" platform, denouncing blacks as "genetically inferior" and calling for their removal to "separate homelands."


These cheery views, amplified in his new autobiography, "My Awakening" ("My Struggle" was already taken, it seems), were enough to grab almost 20 percent of the vote in a five-person race, The Associated Press reports. After the near-win, Duke vowed to continue his fight to preserve "my ethnic heritage."


That would be the heritage of Deepest Moronia, right?


White Heat


Meanwhile, another defender of Western Civilization was taking up the cudgel for the beleaguered white race down in Arizona, where state Representative Barbara Blewster dismissed the deleterious effects of that fine old American tradition - slavery - while dissing the remnants of those fine old original Americans - Indians, The Arizona Republic reports.


Blewster (and no points for guessing what party she belongs to) told an African-American legislator, Leah Landrum, that slavery hadn't been all that bad: "No one was starving, no one was dying." She also disputed assertions that more than 6 million Africans died during the course of the 300-year slave trade with the West. "There weren't even that many people in Africa at the time," Blewster declared (no doubt after thoroughly researching the subject in scholarly works like "My Awakening").


She did allow, however, that colored folks were better than them stupid Injuns. Native Americans, said Blewster, are "not smart enough to do what they need to do to get ahead. Even blacks are more advanced than them."


This isn't the first time Blewster has been on the front lines of far-right kulturkampf, however. She recently denounced homosexuality (in positively DeLayian terms) as being akin to "bestiality, human sacrifice and cannibalism." (But isn't that the gist of the far right platform? We're confused).


She also reassured another colleague, Barbara Leff, that she needn't worry about her Semitic origin. Blewster told Leff that she "doesn't look Jewish" because "you don't have a hooked nose."


Of course, she does have those horns and cloven feet (like they all do); but Blewster was too Christian to mention that.


Fail Safe


Now we know why those high-tech, whizbang, gazillion-dollar NATO aircraft keep dropping their "smart bombs" on buses and backyards. It's not the "ravenous bloodthirst of imperialist running-


dogism" (Zyuganov, et al.); it's not the "bumbling incompetence of that groin-addled sex-fiend in the White House" (DeLay, et al); it's not even the fact that "hells bells, they all look like ants from 30,000 feet, don't they" (Wing Commander Bud "Squinty" Jones, et al.).


It's Velcro malfunction.


That seems as likely as any other reason following the Air Force's admission this week that the stateside crash of one of its $10.2 million A-10 jets was caused by a bit of bad Velcro in the cockpit.


A box for night-vision goggles was attached to the console by the cheapo fabric fastener, AP reports. But during a training flight in Massachusetts, the Velcro inexplicably lost its grip. The box fell down and its strap flipped a switch that disconnected the plane's hydraulic power, sending the jet into an uncontrollable nose dive. The pilot parachuted to safety, but the plane was just a smoldering heap of expensive debris after it hit the ground.


In an unrelated development, defense contractors are reportedly planning to increase the use of "string, Band-Aids and pipe-cleaners" in aircraft construction. "This will allow us to maximize the intake of tax-funded profits while maintaining the high standards of graft and bribery that have made the military-industrial establishment what it is today," corporate spokesman Bobby Boeing is said to have said.