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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

GLOBAL EYE




Body and Soul


Routed in its attempt to rouse America's ire at President Bill Clinton's aggressively hetero high jinks, the Christian Right returned in a big way this week to its favorite whipping boy: them horrible old homos.


Yes, there's nothing like the sight of a shameless same-sexer to fuel the hatred required for successful fund-raising, and Christianite captains are once again taking aim at the high-profile pre-verts on television. One prong of their new pink offensive was a call this week for a "Homosexual Content" rating to be slapped on any show that dares feature - or even mention - the forbidden love, Knight-Ridder reports.


The "Christian Action Network," an offshoot of evangelist Jerry Falwell's far-right fun house, wants the networks to swallow a new "HC" rating for their programs, which now feature more than 25 gay or bisexual characters. The idea has not exactly been greeted with hosannas in Hollywood. "The whole thing is absurd, insane and frightening," said David Lee, producer of "Fraisier." "The first show to get the HC will be 'Teletubbies.'"


Meanwhile, down in Arkansas, a God-fearing computer geek has devised a new method of do-it-yourself media censorship. Rick Bray's "TV Guardian" is a chip that intercepts the network signal, scans it for possible gay banter and other nasty language, bleeps out same and automatically replaces it on the soundtrack with more pristine palaver.


For example, Bray's bug will save your delicate shell-like ears from raw filth like, say, Disney's "Mrs. Doubtfire," where it substitutes a passing reference to comedian Dick Van Dyke with the far more seemly "Jerk Van Gay."


Don't you feel safer already?


Face Off


"I have heard of your paintings too, well enough. God has given you one face and you give yourself another. You jig, you amble, and you lisp, and nickname God's creatures, and make your wantonness your ignorance. Go to, I'll no more on't. It hath made me mad." - Bill Clinton, in the White House production of "Hamlet."


What's more frightening? The fact that a group of congressional bagmen for right-wing lobbies almost toppled the elected government of the United States over the president's tryst with a young trixie - or that millions of American women want to look just like that same trixie?


Monica Lewinsky's teary, tell-all appearances on television have led to a feverish run on the "Club Monaco" makeup she used in her media make-over, Reuters reports. The Toronto-based fashion chain has sold out of its neutral-toned "Glaze" lipstick, its"Bare" lip-liner and other Monaco products, said to be responsible for Monica's "softer, stylish new look."


Although company officials insist they will "absolutely not" hire Lewinsky as a pitchwoman, they do think that her - celebrity? infamy? historical stature? - will keep drawing the rubes for a long time to come. "We've had people come in and say they want the entire look," said one executive.


Now be afraid. Be very afraid.


Church and State


The good citizens of Oklahoma City suffered from yet another right-wing terrorist attack this week. No, they weren't bombed by Timothy McVeigh again - but they did have to fork out $400,000 in tax money after their godly government went all Gestapo-like in raiding private homes to seize an "obscene" video.


The video in question was not, oddly enough, "Mrs. Doubtfire" or even "Debbie Does Dallas," (both of which are available at suburban rental chains everywhere), but that infamous piece of pornography, "The Tin Drum." The movie, an anti-Nazi satire penned by Nobel laureate Gunter Grass, won the 1979 Academy Award for best foreign film. It also won the ire of a not-exactly anti-Nazi outfit called "Oklahomans for Children and Families," who said the movie contained "child porn."


With both the city and state governments dominated by evangelical politicos, OCF got prompt action from the authorities. Not only did police attack private houses, they also seized customer records from several video stores in their fevered search for sinful cinephiles. Now, it's one thing to trample on individual rights, especially when you've got God on your side; nobody cares too much about that kind of thing (except for those pushy Jews in the ACLU - and we won't be seeing them in evangelical Heaven, will we?). But it's another thing altogether to monkey with commercial interests.


The video stores - backed by their deep-pocketed national chains - promptly sued the city after the 1998 raids, and when a federal judge recently ruled the film was not pornographic, the municipal mullahs finally caved in and shelled out, Reuters reports.


Maybe the OCF should have a go at "Romeo and Juliet" next. Don't they know that little hussy is just thirteen?


Devil's Advocate


But while God may have lost a round in the Oklahoma courts this week, He came out a clear winner in a lawsuit filed against Him in Pennsylvania, The Associated Press reports.


A federal judge this week threw out a suit filed against God by one Donald Drusky, a 63-year-old former steelworker. Drusky was miffed at the Almighty for not helping him out in his 30-year war with U.S. Steel, which fired him in 1968.


"Defendant God is the sovereign ruler of the universe and took no corrective action against the leaders of His Church and His Nation for their extremely serious wrongs, which ruined the life of Donald S. Drusky," the suit charged.


In recompense, Drusky asked that God be forced to "return my youth" and "grant me the guitar-playing skills of famous guitarists" such as Jimi Hendrix and Eric Clapton. He also demanded that God "resurrect my mother and my deceased pigeon." Drusky insisted that if the Lord did not show His shining countenance in court, then by court rules he would win the case by default.


God was not alone in the dock, however. Drusky also named former presidents Ronald Reagan and George Bush, every state in the union, every federal judge, all the television networks and every single American citizen as defendants. But for some strange reason, the judge dismissed the suit as frivolous.


Guess he's not a Clapton fan.