Install

Get the latest updates as we post them — right on your browser

. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

GLOBAL EYE




Slippery When Wet


Thou canst talk the talk; canst thou walk the walk?


Tourists trooping to the Holy Land for the millennium will get a chance to enjoy a deeply spiritual and dignified experience when they visit Jesus' home ground in Galilee: a chance to ape one of his miracles for five bucks a throw!


The Israeli National Parks Authority is funding the project and, no, they're not shipping in corpses for a "Lucky Lazarus" booth or storing up tons of herring for the "Loaves and Fishes" stand. Instead, they're building a submerged bridge in the Sea of Galilee so tourists can imitate Jesus' celebrated walk across the water, BBC On-Line reports.


The somewhat less-than-miraculous bridge, positioned just below the surface, will be 100 meters long and have room for up to 50 messiah manqu?s. It won't have any handrails, in order to "enhance the walking on water effect," officials said. But lifeguards and boats will be stationed nearby in case ye of little faith happen to fall off.


Park officials approved the plan after consulting with church authorities and learning "it would not hurt the feelings of Christian tourists," said planning chief Zeev Margalit.


"We also decided it would not be too kitschy."


Wonder who they consulted about that?


Beastie Boy


One man who needs no help - certainly no Hebrew-type help - in walking on water is America's roly-poly holy man, the Reverand Jerry Falwell. But the far-right pulpiteer found himself in hot water last week after declaring that the world-destroying Antichrist will be "a Jewish male who probably is alive today."


Falwell, speaking at a prayer breakfast honoring Holocaust survivors, made an apology of sorts for the remarks, which had first been uttered last month at an "evangelism conference" that probably did not feature too many Holocaust survivors, or their kin.


In his mild mea culpa, the puffy pastor admitted he should not have said anything in public about his no-doubt divinely inspired identification of the apocalyptic beast. "I apologize not for what I believe," he told the Holocaust survivors, "but for my lack of tact and judgment." Which no doubt made them feel lots better.


For the record, Falwell believes the Antichrist will emerge "within 10 years" and "will have to be male and Jewish." Guess that leaves out Marilyn Manson. It must be Woody Allen then.


Purple Haze


But Falwell was not content with inciting his followers to a bit of Jew-bashing. (What will Millard Mudwump do next time he sees his neighbor Arnie Rothstein on the streets of Possum Holler? "Let's see: Jewish, male - Oh Lordy, he might be that there Antichrist! Fetch me my shotgun, Maw!") No, the pudgy prophet soon moved on to an even greater threat to America's moral fiber.


Teletubbies


That's right, Teletubbies - those cooing, prancing, hug-happy characters on the international television hit aimed at infants and preschoolers. Sure, they may look sweet and innocent, but all that touchy-feely schmaltz can't fool a root-hog of unrighteousness like our Jerry; his "National Liberty Journal" unleashed a blistering editorial this week outing Teletubby Tinky Winky as a "homosexual role model," The Associated Press reports.


The searing expos?, entitled "Parents Alert: Tinky Winky Comes Out of the Closet," revealed that Tinky Winky has the voice of a boy but - gasp! - "carries a purse." And, ladies and gentlemen, that's not all!


"He is purple, the gay-pride color," thundered the Journal. "And his antenna is shaped like a triangle, the gay-pride symbol." Falwell - who did not reveal the shape of his antenna - said the show's "subtle depictions" are intentional and "damaging to the moral lives of children."


Actually, Tinky Winky's "purse" is just a magic bag, said Steve Rice, the possibly Jewish and definitely male spokesman for Itsy Bitsy Entertainment Co., the Teletubbies' U.S. representative. "Carrying a magic bag doesn't make him gay." He called Falwell's sexualization of a children's show "kind of sad on his part."


Falwell could not be reached for further comment: He was reportedly hanging around a school playground, checking little boys for signs of "gayness." What dedication!


Tongue Lashing


Those gol-darn jackanapes in Traverse City, Michigan, have had the all-fired gumption to put a man on trial for breaking their 100-year-old bull-crap law against swearing in front of children.


Timothy Boomer, 24, faces 90 days in the sweet-dang hoosegow for letting rip with a few choice words after falling bassackwards out of a great bloody canoe last summer, the mother-loving Associated Press reports. Some jughead of a sheriff's deputy was nearby, and says Boomer's curses were uttered in front of two young children.


Civil liberties groups wondered what in the holy mother of pearl Judge Allen Yenoir was thinking about when the shag-happy pillock ruled Boomer must stand trial on the mickey-mouse charges. But Yenoir insisted on upholding this outdated piece of steaming horse-hockey.


"Mr. Boomer's words were without any socially redeeming quality whatsoever," Yenoir brayed like a mule eating green tomatoes. "If Mr. Boomer's words were constitutionally protected speech, then a person could stand on a crowded public beach and shout those same words all day."


Judas Priest! And what would be the frigging harm in that anyway, dagnab it?


Male Order


Playwright David Mamet is a man's man, see? He writes gritty plays like "Glengarry Glen Ross" and hard-boiled movies like "The Untouchables," tough stuff about manly men doing what a man's gotta do. It's a guy thing. Dames, they just don'tcut it, see?


And that's why Mamet has slapped a legal cease-and-desist order on some uppity broads who had planned to play the male parts in one of his dramatic works. "David Mamet does not permit any gender changes," his lawyer said.


And even though all real men know that trixies really like it when you slap them around a little, the gals of the QuintEssential Theatre Co. are acting like a bunch of femi-Nazis: They're actually threatening to sue for breach of contract just because they had legally obtained the performance rights!


Man, the cojones on these babes, eh?