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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016


Bone Heads

There's a battle of the bones brewing in the world of anthropology, as California scientists challenge a claim by Duke University researchers that Neanderthals could talk.

The Ducal diggers said last year that the existence of a bony canal in Neanderthal skulls showed our ancient cousins may have possessed the complex knot of nerves required for speech, The Associated Press reports. Not so, riposted Berkeley researchers in a paper released this week. Some nonhuman primates have even bigger canals than we do now, and you don't see them gabbing over the back fence, the Berkeley debunkers said.

Stung by this professional rebuke, Duke scientists are reportedly planning an expedition to Moscow. They're going to adduce the Russian Duma as living proof that not only can Neanderthals talk - you can't get them to shut up.

Fashion Statement

There are no Neanderthals in the West, of course. No, civilization there has reached a far more enlightened stage - early Cro-Magnon, perhaps.

Witness the developments in Italy last week, when the enlightened Supreme Court of Appeal ruled that women wearing blue jeans had no legal standing for a claim of rape. The elderly male jurists said lassies in Levis claiming rape must have really wanted it deep down, because "jeans cannot be removed without the woman's collaboration," BBC On-Line reports.

While this was good news for rampaging Romeos, anti-crime hotlines said they'd been flooded with calls from women now afraid to press charges against their attackers. Female deputies wore jeans to parliament in protest (the shameless hussies), while government officials also derided the ruling.

"It's absurd," said Justice Ministry Undersecretary Maretta Scoca. "The Court of Appeal should be reminded of the existence of zippers." Not to mention knives, guns, fists and other instruments of amorous persuasion.

Next up: The Supreme Court schedules a ruling on whether women have souls or are just "a bunch of frisky little animals."

'Buked and Scorned

The Christian Right's noble attempt to cleanse America of the accumulated cultural filth of the past 40 years was, as we all know, crushed by those cowards in the U.S. Senate last week. Now, poking sadly through the smoking ruins of their shattered siege engines this week, the Republican warlords - fierce lovers of their land, red-blooded patriots all - have finally found the culprit for their inexplicable defeat.

The American people.

Yes, to hear the GOP generals tell it, ain't nothing but white trash and uppity blacks out there, all soused on sex, drugs and that jungle be-bop music. How else to explain the fact that almost 70 percent of the American people approved of the acquittal of President Bill Clinton - despite the House inquisitors' glaring proof that he had in fact murdered Colonel Mustard with a lead pipe in the drawing room!

"This nation is in hopeless decline!" wailed inquisitor Lindsey Graham - apparently unaware of America's falling crime rates, rising employment and soaring church attendance over the past six years. William Bennett, the public scold whose "Book of Virtue" profits have fueled his high-yield investments for years, said Americans were now "an ignoble people," The New York Times reports.

But the deep-seated revulsion party leaders actually feel toward the pathetic rabble they seek to rule was best summed up by the chief inquisitor himself, confessed adulterer Henry Hyde, who cried out, "I wonder if after this culture war is over, an America will survive that's worth fighting to defend!"

Probably not, Henry. You guys had best just pack up and head for a place where sex-obsessed religious fanatics armed with the ruthless prosecutorial powers of the state are truly appreciated.

"Mr. Hyde! Mr. Bennett! Welcome to Kabul!"

Dog Days

Bill Clinton is not the only one who narrowly escaped ouster last week, of course. In a further manifestation of the cosmic forces that have linked Clinton's Oval Office canoodlings with the fate of the entire universe, Pluto was allowed to serve out its term as a full-fledged planet after a worldwide poll of astronomers voted for its acquittal.

Faithful readers of the Global Eye (along with confessed adulterers like Henry Hyde) will recall the attempt by scientific star-gazers (or should it be Starr-gazers, hmm?) to downgrade Pluto to "minor planet" status just because it had a loose orbit and couldn't keep its parts buckled together properl y. (And what cigar-smoking chief executive does that remind us of, hmm?)

But the International Astronomical Union announced last week that its members were overwhelmingly in favor of retaining Pluto in office. The main opposition to the planetary impeachment was led by - who else? - American scientists, displaying the worthless, feckless amorality so typical of that ignoble people.Republican leaders immediately denounced the vote as a sinister plot engineered by the notoriously gay-friendly Disney corporation to protect the market value of its "Pluto Pup" cartoon character. "We have truly gone to the dogs!" reportedly wailed Lindsey Graham, or someone just like him.

Repeat Offenders

But now that the Clinton impeachment saga is finally over (except for Monica's talk-show tour, Linda's tell-all tome, the television movies, the Time-Life series and the commemorative bath towels, of course), what will the scandal-mad media do?

After a year that saw the most mainstream, high-brow outlets crawl on their bellies like a reptile to get in just one more glimpse of semen-stained dresses and thong underwear, will the collective punditry come to its senses and pursue serious issues? (Fortunately, your Global Eye doesn't face this problem, since we never mentioned the impeachment saga at all.) Will they turn away from sordid tabloidese and the compulsive purveyance of titillating rumor and sensationalized fact?

Perhaps one of the first post-impeachment editions of the venerable New York Times gives a clue. Bold headlines proclaim: "New Book Says JonBenet's Mother Capable of Cruelty!" Another story tells us that MSNBC, the network-cable-internet news hybrid that grew fat on the flesh of the Monica story, has now turned its sights to more elevated fare: "MSNBC Sets Special Report: Four Nights on the JonBenet Ramsay Case!"

Oh yes, they've learned their lesson well.