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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

GLOBAL EYE




Apocalypse Now


The FBI announced contingency plans this week for dealing with disaster at the turn of the millennium, The Washington Post reports. The agency has uncovered evidence that "cults and extremists plan violence" during the epochal dawn; racists, apocalyptics, militias, conspiracy theorists, Young Republicans and other primitives are liable to be spooked by the portentous date and mistake the arbitrary and abstract calendar change as a signal of the world's end, they say.


The jittery G-men issued the warning to a national conclave of police chiefs, saying that fringe groups are planning to seize the opportunity to launch violent attacks all over the world. Unfortunately, the report was a bit skimpy on the details. However, as a public service, the Global Eye has uncovered a list of potential trouble spots that may see violence and destruction wreaked by renegade groups and illegitimate forces.


For example, experts now believe that a racist militia group is planning to launch violent attacks against various cities and villages in the Caucasus. The goal, apparently, is to "wipe out" certain ethnic, tribal and religious groupings and thereby establish a miraculous "new era of peace and security" in the coming millennium. The militia is led by a shadowy, quasi-mythical figure known only as The Kremlin Patient, who issues his commands through a fierce, Punch-like hand-puppet called a putin.


There is also fear of eruptions from an American evangelical cult led by William the Penitent, a charismatic southerner who scourges himself for his sins in public, while conducting licentious private rites that include sex with female followers and novel forms of tobacco ingestion. Analysts warn that the Penitent, seeking the "blood redemption" promised by his fundamentalist faith, may try to blow up a medicine factory in Somalia, or perhaps bomb hospitals, bridges, power plants, embassies and refugee convoys in the Balkans.


Other reports include extremist plans to explode nuclear devices in India and Pakistan, threats of mass executions by authoritarian militias in China and electoral disruptions by white-power cultists in Austria and Switzerland.


Of course, most of these scenarios are far-fetched. As we all know, the forces of law and justice that govern the great powers of the world will certainly make sure that the death and chaos plotted by these dastardly fringe elements will never come to pass.


Puckerlips Newt


You have no doubt spent many a restless night worrying about what has happened to Newt Gingrich since his spectacular crash and burn following the 1998 congressional campaign, when he "led" his impeachment-mad Republicans to the worst off-year election showing in decades. As you recall, Newt, having reached the third-highest position in the land after a long career of gutter-ball politics, suddenly had no stomach for the constitutional showdown with President Bill Clinton: Instead, he resigned from the House of Representatives and fled to private life.


But this week, he came bouncing back into the public eye, taking a new position as a highly paid stooge of the Chinese Communists. Yes, that's right, he's working for Rupert Murdoch now, signing on with the mandarin's Fox News Channel as a "politicalanalyst," The Associated Press reports.


Gingrich will be offering dispassionate, objective insights into the 2000 elections for Murdoch's dispassionate, objective Fox News. He may even host some programs of his own, like his soul mate Pat Buchanan, Fox Vice President Chet Collier said. "We're going to make broad use of him," chirped Chet.


Of course, Newt has been up to some broad use of his own lately. Currently embroiled in a messy divorce suit brought by his rebuked and scorned wife - a case replete with charges of adultery and financial chicanery - the portly moralist was spotted last week wining and dining his new ladylove in style. (Yes, she is a former staffer of his, but please, let's have no tiresome comparisons to that Monica minx. Remember, as Henry Hyde taught us so well, Republican adultery is different.) In fact, our Newt, man of the people, populist crusader against the liberal elite, splashed out $450 on a single bottle of wine for his young (much younger) gal pal, the Post reported.


Taken to task for this high living by the harrumphing puritans of his party, Newt later claimed it wasn't his fault: He had actually ordered a $68 bottle, he said, but the stupid waiter (probably an illegal immigrant or some such) brought the more expensive vintage by mistake. Even so, Newt, ever-gallant, ever-craven, was too embarrassed to point out the error and paid the top price instead.


So let's see: serving the rich, blaming the poor, chasing the skirts and gorging the belly. Yep, old Newt is definitely back!


Wife Sentence


"Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime."


That's long been the militant mantra of tough guy Tony Blair, and last week a judge in Tony's new, tough Britain got tough on one of the most pernicious causes of crime around: a nagging wife.


David Hampson, 42, was given a whopping six-year sentence for beating his wife, Claire, to death with a hammer, the Evening Standard newspaper reports. He pleaded "mental incapacity" caused by 10 years of "criticism" from Claire. (He did, however, have the mental capacity to bury her body in the back garden and fool her family into believing she was still alive - for two years.)


Judge Francis Allen agreed with the defense that Claire's "lack of support and criticism" was "very damaging to [Hampson's] self-esteem." Despite this touching display of manly comradeship, Allen regretfully did his duty in the sentencing. "I have to bear in mind that killing cannot be tolerated - even accepting that your wife behaved in a way calculated to impact on your mind," he said.


In other words, the old bag was asking for it - so the old boy on the bench went easy on David. In fact, under current sentencing practices, he will probably be free in three years.


Well, good lord, you wouldn't expect him to serve his full sentence for a little thing like that, would you?


Really, it's not like he cheated on his taxes or something.