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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

FACES & VOICES: Putin Has the Makings of a Dream Lover




I am not Martin Luther King, but I had a dream, too.


In my dream, Prime Minister Vladimir Putin invited me for a boat ride. He promised to show me a spot in the Gulf of Finland where the FSB had dumped tons of deadly radioactive waste. I was in for a scoop.


I was so excited and eager to go that I agreed to leave at 6:30 a.m. - about the time I usually go to bed. Reporters are known to be bizarre, and the most twisted of us, as a rule, become ecstatic when we get a chance to report eerie circumstances that threaten the lives of hundreds of innocent people.


For the longest time, I was upset and confused about that dream. Because as soon as I awoke, I realized that it was not the nuclear scoop that excited me so much in my sleep. No, it was much worse: I was aroused by the physical proximity to Putin, and the arousal was not of a purely professional kind. To be honest, it was not of a professional kind at all.


There are many things that I find disturbing about being attracted to Putin, even if in a dream.


One is that he is short. The other is that he is totally devoid of expression.


Basically, he is not my type at all. But that's not what alarmed me about seeing the head of the Russian government as an object of my uncanny sexual desire.


It is his past that bothers me most.


Before he was appointed prime minister just over 100 days ago, Putin was the head of the FSB, an organization that has never quite been exculpated for the inhuman crimes committed by its predecessor, the KGB. My purely professional (and I do mean professional) contacts with the FSB - in my waking life - convinced me that today's secret police has no intentions of getting rid of quite a few despicably evil features it has inherited. Frankly speaking, I am not their greatest fan.


So what was the meaning of that dream? I began to analyze.


The relation between Putin and the FSB is clear. I also see the relation between the FSB and radioactive waste. The FSB has a history of investigating - and accusing with treason and espionage - researchers who uncover cases of nuclear pollution in the country.


So all I basically had to understand was why, in my dream (which, according to Sigmund Freud, is the conventional way for my subconscious to correspond with my polluted mind), I wanted to do it with Putin.


If, according to Freud, men are sexually attracted to their mothers, then women must be sexually attracted to their fathers. So it could be that the Putin in my dream was in fact an impersonation of my father. They are the same age, after all.


Nah, that's not possible. Why would I ever relate my beloved father to the former head of such a malicious organization as the FSB?


I analyzed for days and days before the answer finally came to me. Remember Freud's "On the Interpretation of Dreams?" When the maestro tired of linking hats and shoes to the sexual desires of the rest of the world, he put this down:


"Sometimes a dream is just a dream."


Except, of course, for when the dream contains a cigar.