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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016


Holy Smoke

Mercy Seat Christian Church of Wauwatosa, Wisconsin, has a message of hope for all those students living in fear of violent death in the killing fields of America's high schools: Get God - and Get Guns!

That was the good news being shared last week by the Mercy Seaters, who passed out bullet-shaped pamphlets to youngsters at several local high schools, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reports. The leaflet asks the musical question, "Kids Who Kill Kids: How Can We Stop the Bloodshed?" and answers, with most Christ-like mien, "Never Disarm!"

The "Gospel and Guns" tract, written by anti-abortion activist Matt Trewhella, offers up "Gun Quotes From America's Founding Fathers," (Surely you remember George Washington's ringing declaration: "Flintlocks and powderhorns don't kill people; lawless brigands wielding flintlocks and powder horns kill people.") The pamphlet also said the recent spate of school murders was caused by the fact that forced readings of the Ten Commandments were banned in public schools 35 years ago.

Local police - pagans to a man, no doubt - took a dim view of the Lord's work. "Just the idea of promoting students to arm themselves - it sickens me," Waukesha County Sheriff William Kruziki said. Police also pointed out the minor fact that all of the students are too young to buy a gun in the first place.

Legally, that is. But Trewhella knows there are higher laws than those of earthly states. "We are going out to high schools to see hearts changed," said the leader of the wighteous Wauwatosans, "to share the gospel of Jesus Christ and to inform students of the true intent of the Second Amendment. We don't view guns as evil things."

For is it not written: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me?" Even God packs heat.

Middle Parts

Of course, Trewhella and his ilk are really just fringe elements in U.S. politics, thank God. The moderate mainstream is far better represented by the two leading candidates for the Republican presidential nomination, George W. Bush and Steve Forbes, both of whom made weighty, reasoned pronouncements on the issue of gun violence last week.

Forbes announced a bold new plan to stop the killings: restore forced readings of the Ten Commandments in the schools. Meanwhile, Bush, commenting on the death of seven worshippers who were shot down by a crazed gunman in a Texas church, said that guns were not evil things: People are evil.

"There seems to be a wave of evil passing through America now," Bush declared. But he rejected calls for stricter gun laws, or indeed for any action at all. The answer is not leadership or legislation, he said, but simply for everybody "to collectively pray for love in people's hearts."

"Most Americans want somebody reasonable who has a rational view" of the issue, added Bush, who recently signed a law making it legal for people to carry concealed weapons into churches as long as the church has not physically posted a sign saying it is illegal to carry concealed weapons into churches.

Ah yes, thank God for the sane center!

The Sporting Life

No doubt the gun-loving Texas guv was bursting with pride at the shooting prowess displayed by two U.S. Navy airmen last week, after they repeatedly hit the bullseye on one of the toughest targets known to man: pregnant cows.

Unfortunately, sharpshooters Joshua Osinski, 23, and Alan Peters, 21, aren't collecting well-deserved medals for their weaponry skills this week; instead, they're cooling their heels in a Nevada hoosegow, charged with grand larceny for killing seven pregnant cows grazing near Fallon Naval Air Station, the Reno Gazette-Journal reports.

Police said each of the dead cows suffered multiple wounds ("Take that you bovine Bolshevik!"); one had been hit 12 times or more ("Eat lead, Bossie!"). Another victim had been gunned down in the act of giving birth ("Mmm, boy! Fresh veal, hot out of the oven!").

The pair were arrested after fellow airmen heard them bragging about the slaughter. ("Yeah, boys, it got pretty hairy there for a minute, with them cows milling around all sinister-like, but me and Josh, we stood our ground and took care of bidness!") Churchill County Sheriff Bill Lawry said the men confessed to the killings, but wouldn't say why they had done it.

"We'd like to know the answer to that," Lawry said. "Their statement was that they went out to shoot rabbits, and their quote was, 'We shot some moos instead.'"

Guess those cows should have been wearing big signs clearly stating that it is against the law to shoot cows. Otherwise, how's your ordinary, decent crazed gunman supposed to know?

Smoke Screen

Everybody knows that advertising is all about seduction, but U.S. tobacco giant Brown & Williamson is taking the come-hither approach to new extremes, The Washington Post reports.

"We're a giant corporation, and you make us feel like a little kitten," a smoldering male voice says when callers dial the cigarette company's toll-free information line. "Thank you ... lover."

"What are they smoking?" one ad exec told the Post after hearing the alluring murmurs, which hope to entice callers to order B&W merchandise, get on a mailing list, ask questions or, you know, have phone sex or something. (At least it won't damage your lungs.)

But B&W, proud makers of such classic cancer sticks as Lucky Strike and Kool, said the sweet nothings are simply part of an effort to "put on more of a human face," and are definitely not - not, mind you - a sleazy attempt to get around tough new restrictions on advertising to minors by flashing a free 1-800 number with a sexy message in teenagers' faces.

The pitch ends on an even more measured, mature note. "By the way," the breathy voice says in parting, "the other tobacco companies hate you and think you're ugly. They told us so."

No, it's not aimed at teenagers at all, is it?