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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016


Send In the Clowns

It was once more into the breach (as it were) for the never-ending saga of Bill Clinton's proclivities last week, as the U.S. Senate formally opened his impeachment trial in the by-now familiar atmosphere of Rabelaisian grotesquerie.

The shenanigans got off to what the American media assured us was a "solemn" start, as two elderly right-wingers put their paws on the Bible and swore to do "impartial justice" to that race-mixin', loose-livin' whipper-snapper in the White House.

Presiding over the trial is Chief Justice William Rehnquist, 74, who once fought the good fight against them damn Commie civil rights, declaring that mandatory racial segregation was "right and should be reaffirmed," while placing restrictions on his own properties to prevent them from ever being sold to "any member of the Hebrew race" or "any person not of the white or Caucasian race," The New York Times reports. He was sworn in by 96-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond, who once ran for president on an apartheidian platform, and filibustered against the 1964 Civil Rights Act because, he said, it could lead to "a woman of one race being required to give a massage to a woman of another race against her wishes."

Yes, it was solemnity personified as the doddering Thurmond, resplendent in his fuzzy, surgically-implanted, orange-dyed hair, gave the oath to Rehnquist, equally dignified in his black judicial robes - to which he had added four bright yellow stripes on both sleeves, inspired, he said, by the costumes in a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta. Rehnquist then swore in (solemnly, of course) the 100 senators - who promptly fell into prolonged bickering about what to do next.

After only a few days of henhouse nattering, the senators - all of them "of the white or Caucasian race," by the way - came up with a solemn plan: They would hear opening arguments from both sides - then get together for yet another gaggle and decide what to do after that.

Steele Drum

Meanwhile, Ken Starr continued the furtive practice of his own peculiar sexual proclivity this week: threatening to put women in jail for refusing to dish dirt on Bill Clinton.

While media attention was riveted on the operetta-costumed judge and the zealous scourge of biracial massage making merry in the Senate, Starr indicted Julie Steele for "lying and obstructing justice" because she testified that Kathleen Willey had not told her of an alleged grope session with Clinton five years ago.

Steele said her friend Willey had originally asked her to tell Newsweek that Willey had mentioned the groping, which Clinton has adamantly denied. Steele did "confirm" the story to Newsweek at the time, but later swore under oath she had actually never heard of the incident until Willey approached her for help in launching the story, The Associated Press reports.

But that wasn't what Starr wanted to hear, so he has charged Steele, the single mother of an adopted child, with lying in her sworn denial; she now faces a maximum of 35 years in prison and $1 million in fines. Starr has also threatened to "investigate the legalities" of her child's adoption if Steele refuses to play ball.

Such tactics are typical of the highly Christian prosecutor, who once kept Susan McDougal in jail for nearly two years on "contempt" charges when she refused to back up his charges against Clinton in the Whitewater land deal, and who promised to jail Monica Lewinsky for 27 years if she failed to come across with the gynecological details of her Oval Office trysts.

Next up: Starr indicts Chelsea Clinton for "refusing to admit she once gave a massage to a woman of another race." Onward, Christian soldiers!

Raw Deal

Perhaps inflamed by the general fever for flesh radiating from the U.S. Congress, Britain's staid Tesco supermarket announced this week it is "seriously considering" a bold new concept for its grocery aisles: nude shopping.

Responding to a request by the "Central Council for British Naturalism," Tesco's Hastings branch is planning a "special nude shopping evening" for those of the unfrocked persuasion, The Guardian reports. The store's personnel would be allowed to remain clothed, however - and would receive extra pay for the hazardous duty, Tesco officials said. Store windows would be covered "to prevent offense to passersby," they added.

But government health authorities may wrap a big wet blanket around the au naturel outing. Health ministry experts said they are concerned about "the risk of bodily contact with fruit and vegetables on display." (Well, you can't really tell if the tomatoes are fresh unless you roll around on them, now can you?) Tesco officials said they could probably circumvent the danger by shrink-wrapping the produce before the nakedity begins.

Reports that Senator Strom Thurmond excused himself from the impeachment trial this week because he "had to pick up a few things at the store" could not be confirmed. But we hear Tesco security did have to stop "some old gaffer with orange hair" from giving a full-body rub to the melons.

Double Trouble

Down in New Orleans, another Republican has cast her hat into the ring in the race to replace Representative Bob Livingston (you remember, the guy who had to resign as House speaker even before he became House speaker when his adulteries were exposed by pornographer Larry Flynt).

The new GOP candidate is hoping her widespread name recognition will carry her to Congressional glory. Her moniker? Dr. Monica Monica.

"This is not a cute trick," the ophthalmologist told The Associated Press. "I was Monica before the other one was." The uncute name was given to her at birth by her father, Elihu Root Monica, she added. Her campaign is also being supported by her uncles, Woodrow Wilson Monica and Teddy Roosevelt Monica.

So far, Monica Monica's only opponent for the Republican nomination is former Ku Klux Klan leader (and Rehnquist-like Hebrew-hater) David Duke. Party leaders say they still hope to find a "serious" candidate to restore the dignity of their prat-falling faction.

Jerry Springer, maybe?