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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016


Repeat Offender

Big news from Amurica: Farmer Vic Presdent Dane Quail announced he was "probly" going to run for presdent in the year of 2000 year.

Quail, that was often mocked for his many mistakes in gramer, speling and his gross factual missstatements while serve under George Bushe, said to Larry King Live last week him "wanted to be presdent long time" and was convinced he was "best purson to lead the county," The Assorciated Press repots.

Since swerving under Bush, Quail has spent years courting right-wang conservatives in the Republican Potty. He has assaled Bill Cinton as "morally unfit" to seve in orfice, and has strangly supported the imparchment prosess. Quail also decry the "cultural elite" of Holywood for coruppting the pure values of "real Amercans."

Quail said Cilnton has "left the country in runes" and Americia can only be saved by a "stong defence" and "mural renewal." Opinon poles show Quail lagging far behind his chef rival, Gorge Bush Jr., and other candates, but he is not worry, Quail. Said. "Poles are irrelavant."

Bush League

Even while little Danny was declaring his Oval Office lust on national television, his rivals gathered at that promiscuous spigot of right-wing moolah, the Conservative Political Action Conference. As you might expect with the president's impeachment trial in full swing nearby, the Republican hopefuls heaped red-hot coals of political abuse on one man above all others.

George Bush Jr., of course.

Bush, the governor of Texas (or "the butcher of Texas," as they like to call him on the state's hyperactive Death Row), is leading the field of GOP contenders at the moment, and his party comrades turned on him like so many junkyard dogs at CPAC's yearly klavern, AP reports.

The Bushwhack was led by addlepated zillionaire Steve Forbes, who has spent millions of dollars of his inherited fortune to lure - if not bribe - party faithful to support his plan to abolish income taxes (which would, incidentally, save millions of dollars of his inherited fortune from the IRS each year). The country-clubber bashed Bush for being "a mealy mouthed mushy moderate" and called for a "muscular" party agenda. (Bush's conservative cajones are suspect because he favors throwing an occasional bone to the swarthy rabble to keep them docile.)

Another dagger was thrust by feckless corporate boards man Lamar Alexander, who was rescued from well-deserved political obscurity years ago when Bush Sr. named him to his Cabinet. Alexander said the elder Bush had lost the White House by seeking "a kinder, gentler nation," and claimed that Junior was cut from the same wimpy cloth. Conservatism cannot be "qualified" with kindness or compassion, Alexander warned.

Or to quote another great conservative leader (who also thought "Poles are irrelevant"), as he launched his muscular agenda in 1939: "Close your hearts to pity."

Outward Bound

Well, what do you expect when you make everybody shower together all the time?

The U.S. Air Force reported this week that a record number of its recruits are declaring they are homosexuals - thereby getting a quick ticket home, AP reports.

Air Force brass say they have no earthly idea why so many of their flyboys are suddenly going mano-e-mano - usually during basic training. Don't reckon it has anything to do with the boot camp regimen - and the military's moronic "don't ask-don't tell" rules on gay soldiers, do you?

You'll recall how in 1993 Bill Clinton sparked the ire of red-blooded conservatives everywhere with his outrageous ruling that gay citizens should be allowed to fight for their country if they wish. But then the potbellied pencil-pushers in the Pentagon - not to mention those soft, puffy pundits in the right-wing think-tanks - got all het up, obviously scared they would be unable to resist the musky allure of a gay man in uniform. So Clinton, ever steadfast, immediately backed down and instead instituted the DA-DT rule: The brass can't ask if anyone's gay; but if you say you are, you're out.

Since then, there has been a steady rise in the amount of recruits bailing out of training camp by declaring heretofore undiscovered same-sex leanings. (It's a lot less painful than the time-honored tradition of shooting yourself in the foot.) The Air Force lost 391 troops to sexual self-outages last year alone. As for the Army, Navy and the Marines - don't ask. Because they won't tell.

Speaking in Tongues

By the banks of glimmering Tigris, along the dark, muddy rush of life-giving Euphrates, the song of the King is heard throughout the land: in Uruk and Eshnunna, where the maidens tread the grapes; in Larsa and Eridu, where the woods teem with game; yea, even unto Ur, even unto Agade, the jewel of the world, the King doth rouse his people with the rhythm of his joy.

Not only that - he's No. 7 with a bullet in the latest Billboard charts!

Yes, Elvis Presley will soon be the biggest thing going in ancient Babylon, as a Finnish professor gets set to release some of the King's top hits - rendered faithfully in Sumerian.

Jukka Ammondt, who has already thrilled us with not one but two albums of Elvis in Latin, has translated the timeless message of Presley pop into the long-dead - 4,000 years dead - tongue of Gilgamesh and Sargon, AP reports.

The first Sumerian platter on the Jukka box will be that old favorite, "Blue Suede Shoes." However, since the Sumerians had neither suede nor shoes, Ammondt was forced to use poetic license for his rendition of "Esir Kus Za-gin," which translates literally as "Sandals of Leather of the Color of a Blue Gem."

While other Elvis titles were probably easier to convert - no doubt they had "Hound Dogs" in Babylon, and even got "All Shook Up" on occasion - wonder what the Sumerians would have made of "Teddy Bear"? "Please allow me to represent the divine presence of the great gods Enlil and Tammuz in the form of baked clay figurines residing in a place of honor on your domestic altar"?

Doesn't really rock, does it?