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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

Sporting Questions Of Sheep And Bikinis

WASHINGTON -- I take no responsibility for my column today.

I'm not writing it -- a sheep is.

I don't want to get too sidetracked with the whole cloning issue. But if you could clone athletes, think how it would affect sports.

Let's say each pro team was allowed to clone one athlete. Cleveland would clone Jim Brown. The Bulls would clone Michael Jordan. The Dodgers would clone Sandy Koufax. And the Capitals would clone a defensive-minded forward who'd immediately break his heel.

I trust ewe all know what Les Boulez would do. They'd trade their clone for Mark Price.


Our first question today comes from a J. Wayne, who asks, "Hold on a minute, pilgrim. What in the Sam Hill was Riddick Bowe doing in the Marine Corps?''

Not much, obviously. And not for very long either. Bowe didn't seem to be very keen on the "drop and give me 20'' portion of the program. Bowe didn't like being told what to do. And he sat there like a big tub of goo, poor baby.

What did he think boot camp was, Jenny Craig with dorms?

Our next question comes from a G. Steinbrenner, who asks, "Can't anybody put a muzzle on that Angelos guy?''

It does seem that every time Orioles owner Peter G. opens his mouth, he changes feet. He really ought to shut up with his tasteless lobbying for umpire John Hirschbeck to apologize to Roberto Alomar. Doesn't Angelos realize that all he's accomplishing with his goading support of Alomar is to antagonize all umpires? The more Angelos yaps, the larger Alomar's strike zone becomes. If I got two strikes on Alomar, I'd "Nuke LaLoosh'' my next pitch -- throw it at the mascot, knowing the ump would call "strike three.''

Our next question comes from a L. Flynt, who asks, "I just received the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Is this what I've paid the $79 a year subscription fee for? What do I tell my son when he asks how come there are no pictures of Cecil 'Super Can' Fielder?''

Ask your son if he thinks Big Cecil looks good in a bikini?

Actually, this is one of my favorite bathing suit issues, because it isn't cluttered with a lot of, you know, words. Oh, sure there are some words about things vaguely connected with sports, like bonefishing -- I think the story is called "Bonefishing With a Babe.'' But mostly what SI is showing is flesh, not sports: hundreds of pages of Tyra Banks, not Ernie Banks.

I imagine SI thinks this is a landmark, principled issue because they have thrown in some real athletes in bikinis, including the bodacious -- and mono-expressional -- Der Schteffer [Graff] and some beach volleyball vixens. I hope in an upcoming issue they give equal photographic time to naked centerfielders in exotic spring training locales scratching their groins, romping in the whirlpool and stretched out on the training table in fishnet thongs receiving a deep tissue massage, with an accompanying text: "Carnal Pleasures of the Emerald Chessboard.''

Whoa! Hey, I apologize for that outburst.

That was the sheep writing.