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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

global eye

Beaten to a Pulp

You've probably watched his film characters spewing racist invective, splattering fake brains on the upholstery, gouging fake wounds in each other, and thought, "Wow, this Quentin Tarantino must be one tough hombre." Well, pal, you have no idea just how tough the nerdy, squint-eyed writer-director of "Pulp Fiction" and "Reservoir Dogs" really is.

But Hollywood producer Don Murphy knows. Murphy was a co-producer of "Natural Born Killers," an invective-spewing, fake-wound-gouging screenplay written by Tarantino (but directed, against the author's wishes, by Oliver Stone). Tarantino allegedly took exception to some cutting remarks attributed to Murphy in a just-published dirt-disher about the movie's creation, and some belly-bumping and brow-waggling ensued, Agence France-Presse reports.

Now Donnie says he's so shaken up by his tussle with the famous out-there auteur that only $5 million in legal redress can make him feel better. Yes, rather than settling the thing man-to-man, like a couple of big tough natural born pulp killer dogs, Murphy filed suit last week, claiming the mighty Quentin actually broke his watch strap in the confrontation, leaving the poor producer "traumatized," "humiliated," and unable to work for weeks. (And only those who have never known the genuine pain and degradation of losing a watch strap could possibly find Murphy's claim in any way whiny, infantile or idiotic.)

Reached for comment, Tarantino had "no spew" on the matter.

Fallen Star

Not only did the world lose the most loving, caring, giving, glamorous, exalted, down-to-earth, saintly, sexy, specialest person who ever lived when Princess Diana flew off to join the angels in heaven, we also lost what would have surely been our bestest, brightest movie star, too.

Or so says Kevin Costner, who revealed this week that he had been in yearlong negotiations with the Princess of Wales to have her star in a sequel to his 1992 hit film, "The Bodyguard," AFP reports.

Costner told Premier magazine that Di ana would have played a character "based loosely on herself," a "dignified and sophisticated" princess who gets into trouble in Hong Kong (joy-riding with a bunny-grubbing playboy and a doped-up driver, perhaps), then falls in love with her rescuer. (That would be Kev, natch.)

Diana's staff at Kensington Palace immediately denied such negotiations ever took place, but Costner was having none of that. "This is not a fight they want to pick," he told AFP after the palace blast. "I think they should be very careful when they challenge me on this one." Yeah, he might sic Quentin Tarantino on 'em.

Dreck of the Bay

What a difference a week makes. It was just a few days ago, amid the evocative shadows of ancient Prague, that David Hasselhoff -- slab-body superstar of the international moronodrama, "Baywatch" -- was waxing all elegiacal about "moving on" from the show, and letting his prodigious talents take wing to the outer reaches of thespian achievement: Andrew Lloyd-Webber musicals, for instance.

"I've been doing 'Baywatch' for eight years, and I think it's time to move on," he told Czech TV during a promo tour for his new album of chunka-chunka '80s rock. He said he wanted to sink his chops into things like "Phantom of the Opera," and also "play a really bad person and kill people," Reuters reported.

But that was last week. This week there came word -- from not-so-ancient Los Angeles -- that the Hasselhunk has signed on for another four years of shepherding bouncy, bikini-clad babes through the California sands. But it's not just the easy work in the sun, the no-brainer scripts and the continuous cleavage-panning that pulled his eyes from those Webberian heights: No, it was the vital significance of the work.

"'Baywatch' has enriched and, in many cases, helped save lives," said Hasselhoff, revealing a heretofore hidden talent for deadpan comedy. "I'm looking forward to the opportunity to continue with a project which has had such significance for so many."

Comedy of Errors

And this just in from the Absolutely Beyond All Comment Department: Variety reports the HBO cable network is producing, even as we speak, a one-hour comedy special called "The Deena Mullen Story."

Deena Mullen, in case you didn't know (and you should hope to God you didn't know) is "Juror No. 5" from the O.J. Simpson trial. Deena will be singing, dancing, mugging and cracking wise through a whole hour of skits and spoofs based on her hilarious experiences in the O.J. courtroom.

Next up: The BBC finds hijinks galore in the wacky, true-life adventures of a plucky British lass and her stuck-up Yank employers in "Aw, Pair!", the new comedy series starring Kate Winslet, Cybil Shepherd, and Ben Kingsley as Dr. Sunil.

Moonraker Whitney

Houston will be basking in Moonglow next week, but she's not very happy about it.

The slinky-hipped, well-piped pop chanteuse is used to appearing before throngs of adoring fans, but she'll face a different kind of crowd in Washington next Saturday -- and the adoration will be aimed at a different object -- when she sings, unwillingly, for Korean cult leader Sun Myung Moon and thousands of his followers, The Associated Press reports.

Moon, a convicted tax felon who claims variously to be God, or the son of God, or at least the biggest nut that ever fell from God's tree, duped Houston into appearing by having his minions pitch the project as "The World Culture and Sports Festival." A Houston spokesman said the singer didn't know Moon's church was involved, adding, "She is prone to accepting invitations that are family-oriented."

Well, the Festival certainly is that: Moon will perform one of his patented mass weddings, pairing up masses of arbitrarily chosen moonbeams and bidding them to go forth and connubiate, the better to people his dominions.

Houston, a former gospel singer, will simply "show up, sing, and go home," her spokesman said. Of course, the "low seven figures" fee Moon is shelling out for Whitney's 45 minutes does take a bit of the sting out of the scam, it must be said.