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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

Et Cetera

Fairway FreedomWell, wouldn't you let him win?


Video pitchman and famous freeway cruiser O.J. Simpson came up a winner this week in a celebrity golf tournament that raised $43,000 for charity.


Simpson, charged last year with killing the mother of two of his children and a friend of hers with multiple stab wounds, teamed up with his daughter Arnelle to pace the tournament over 36 holes in Nassau, Bahamas. He was thronged by tourists and natives eager to press the celebrated flesh of a man who is now one of the most famous human beings in history.


"I've never had so much sugar in all my life," a happy Simpson told reporters. "I've got lipstick all over me."


L.A. prosecutors reportedly subpoenaed the lipstick for DNA testing, but were balked when it was learned that Detective Mark Furhman had been spotted buying the same shade at his local Seven-Eleven.





Them Belly Full


No matter how raw the fish, how soured the saki, one thing the world was not going to see during this week's U.S.-Japan summit: the president of the United States heaving a state dinner all over his hosts.


In January 1992, George Bush launched the retch heard 'round the world when he collapsed during a formal banquet in Tokyo and threw up in the lap of Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa. He then slid to the floor and was cradled in the arms of Japanese officials until medics arrived. The event was caught by a television camera that had been left running after the crew left the banquet hall. The public upchuck underscored the image of Bush as frail and failing, and was seen by many as contributing to his defeat by Bill Clinton later that year.


So despite Clinton's reputation for a cast-iron stomach (the receptacle for mountains of presidential pizza and executive egg-rolls), his hosts were taking no chances during his visit to Tokyo this week. Authorities ordered that as soon as the toasts were over at Wednesday's state banquet, all cameras were to be turned off and turned around, pointing at the walls.





Grim Reaper


Using the dead to enlighten the living, the Christian coroner of Spokane County is cutting a wide swath through the works of the devil. Unfortunately, he's cutting down a few bereaved families in the process.


Dr. Dexter Amend, retired urologist and Presbyterian deacon, has sparked $4 million in lawsuits with his sin-obsessed mortuary manner. When a 16-year-old girl was shot to death, he asked the grieving mother if the victim had ever been sodomized by gang members. When an 11-year-old boy died in a fire, he asked the parents if he'd ever masturbated. When a 9-year-old girl was found murdered, he said the killing was obviously the work of homosexuals, because the girl had been sodomized, and only gays engage in sodomy. "All they think about is sex and lust all the time," said the doctor. A real pathologist determined that the girl had not been sexually assaulted. Her heterosexual uncle was convicted for the killing.


Amend, 76, has survived one recall vote and several investigations by state authorities. He is currently facing hearings that could strip him of his medical license, but even this will not deter his crusade: Coroners in Washington state are not required to have medical training.





Heads and Tails


n "I must be cruel only to be kind," says Hamlet to his mother. "This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you," says every angry parent with a paddle in hand. And now Danny Drake of San Clemente, California, has added a new line to the lexicon of "loving" punishment: "I gotta do this so the coyotes won't eat you."


Drake has been charged with "suspicion of cruelty" after a neighbor saw him cut off the heads of his two pet cats with a machete. He said he felt forced to the drastic action because the landlord of his new home told him to get rid of the animals.


Drake's wife, Liz, supported her husband's "tough love" policy, saying she thought chopping off the cats' heads would be better than "dropping them off on some road and letting some coyote eat them."


The cats, presumably, might have settled for some interim solution -- a new home, for example, with friends or through the classifieds -- rather than a choice between coyote or machete. But you know how cats always shilly-shally about things.





We Are Not Amused


The queen of England, however, will keep her head -- for now.


British officials meeting in Italy to discuss plans for a common European currency, said that if Britain decides to adopt the currency -- which, they say, is still quite a big "if" -- the fair face of Queen Elizabeth II will continue to adorn the coin of the realm. The officials won agreement that any euro-coins will leave room on one side for member nations to use their own designs.


But as she looks toward her 70th birthday next week, the ex-Empress of India and Defender of the Faith is, according to new polls, facing perhaps the greatest rise in republican sentiment since the Puritan Parliament lopped off the head of her illustrious predecessor, Charles I, in 1649. The sordid escapades of the royal menagerie -- toe-sucking, adultery, tax evasion, compulsive heaving -- has lowered the popularity of the monarchy to such an extent that Elizabeth, whose 60th birthday was an occasion for massive public display, has decided to celebrate the septuagenarian mark with a private dinner, away from the press and the disgruntled peasantry.





-- Compiled by Chris Floyd