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. Last Updated: 07/27/2016

Flingable Finger Food for Super Bowl Spectators

Well twist my cooking arm, it's Super Bowl time again and I thought I would write a column about it. Or is that the Supper Bowl?


2:18 Monday morning, channel 6. Kickoff time. Thousands of people who should be tucked up in bed, their own or someone else's, will instead be swilling beer (is that the correct terminology here?) and stuffing their faces watching the Dallas Cowboys and the Buffalo Bills play ball.


Football. American style. I am way out of my depth here. I cook and travel. My fellow office worker, none other than the sports editor Shaker Khayatt, does sports.


I thought that for everyone's sake, he had better be the guest columnist on this week's show as I would only make a complete fool of myself and confuse a touchdown for a kickoff or a huddle for a sack. So I'll be back for the more practical side of the business in a moment, folks, after these important messages.


For those of you who don't know the terms, here is a quick guide. That way when your American friends turn glassy-eyed and start to talk about the game, you can pretend to understand.


There are 11 players on the field from each side at one time. But a minimum of 25 advertising slogans and logos each end.


Teams can substitute after every play. What's a play? A piece of action: The center snaps the ball to the quarterback, and then the quarterback hands off to a running back or passes to a wide receiver or a tight end in the hope of scoring a touchdown (that's a try for those of you not converted). Get a touchdown and you win six points and listen to fans and television commentators yell themselves silly until the commercial break.


Then someone not built like a front end loader comes on the field and tries to kick between the goal posts for an extra point. Jerry Lewis always played this role in movies.


Kick the goal and you get a point. Kick a field goal and you get three points. Spill the salsa and nachos chips all over the couch at this juncture and you get no points.


Non-American football fans will no doubt be following this. So naturally we have to introduce one other way of scoring that was specifically designed to baffle. It's called a "safety." This deft piece of maneuvering takes place when the defense tackles the quarterback who has the ball behind the line of scrimmage. No, wait a minute, that can't be right, is it when someone tackles an offensive player who has possession of the football in his own end zone?


Whichever, you win two points. All this lasts for 60 minutes, four 15-minute quarters. But if you don't like football you won't get out of it that easily. The game usually lasts hours longer. You have to leave plenty of time for time outs, television time outs, penalties and, of course, huddles.


And injuries. This is a violent game. That's why they all wear that elaborate armor. A disappointment to this columnist who thought some American men were actually built that way.


On to food. The experts have told me that it needs to be of the finger variety. Snacks, plenty of them, easy to pick up, not too large, and of the pliable kind that you can throw at the TV screen when the play isn't going your way or just stuff into your mouth when the excitement becomes too palpable.


Nacho chips are a must, as is a strong salsa sauce. I think, though, you can all do a little better than that and make meatballs. You will have hours before the game kicks off anyway. So start steaming.


And my tip for the winner? That's easy. May the team with the cutest uniforms win.