Cop Fired for Stealing Meat Patty

Almost exactly a month ago Interior Minister Rashid Nurgaliyev instructed his underlings to weed out bad elements in the country’s notoriously corrupt police force within a month. Nurgaliyev was mocked from all corners for the statement, and it’s unclear exactly how the corruption could be eradicated in the police ranks over the course of several years, much less 30 days.

One suggestion often heard is to raise the salaries of police officers to mitigate the temptation to take bribes. Perhaps a higher salary would have given a beat cop in the city of Lipetsk adequate resources to purchase his own meat patty at a local café rather than stealing one from another customer.

The police officer, Alexei Ivannikov, was detained by his own colleagues at a local ryumochnaya — a small watering hole serving booze and snacks — called “Charka” after he grabbed the meat patty directly from the plate of another customer and tried to make a run for it, the Lipetsk news portal Gorod 48 reported.

Officer Ivannikov had purchased 100 grams of vodka at the café but did not have enough money to purchase his own meat patty, the report said, and as everyone knows, drinking vodka without a snack to chase it with is a real social no-no.

Unlike many citizens who succumb to resignation when victimized by corrupt officials, the victim of the meat patty theft gave chase and eventually wrestled the cop down, Gorod 48 reported.

With a turn of phrase that reminded me of Dick Cheney’s friends saying he just “peppered” his hunting partner in the face with buckshot, the web site reported that Ivannikov was “lightly beaten up” by the patty’s rightful owner before being handed over to his colleagues.

No criminal charges were pressed, but Ivannikova has been dropped from the force, the report said.

We aim to inform here at Crime Watch, so folks, if you ever find yourself with 100 grams of vodka and nothing to chase it with, remember that you don’t have to steal someone else’s hamburger. Sniffing your own hair or someone else’s after a vodka shot is an effective — and socially acceptable — means of minimizing the burning sensation from the booze.