At Last, a Quiz That Tells You When to Leave

How much do you know about Moscow? Are you a neophyte or a seasoned veteran? Finally, here is a quiz that can tell you. The Moscow Expatriate Learning Exercise (also know as Ex-Lax) has been contributed to this columnist by an anonymous member of the foreign community. How does it work? Just check your score to see whether you have been in Moscow too long. So, to lighten our somber January moods, here it is:

Where can you make a legal left turn in Moscow? (a) In front of a Lenin statue. (b) Behind a Lenin statue. (c) You can't. (d) All of the above.

What is the correct procedure in response to a yellow traffic signal? (a) Caution -- pedestrians in road in dark clothing looking the other way. (b) Stop. (c) Go. (d) None of the above.

Stockmann sells a product called "Mr. Proper." It is: (a) A household cleanser. (b) A book on table manners. (c) A condom. (d) Toilet paper.

One of your Russian friends addresses you as "comrade." You should: (a) Kiss him or her on both cheeks. (b) Run -- the building is on fire. (c) Induce vomiting. (d) All of the above.

As you are passing through Sheremetyevo airport, a customs officer says, "Marlboros, please. (a) This is a nationality check; you should whistle the theme from an appropriate movie. (b) Respond by saying, "No, thank you, I don't smoke." (c) This is a request for a bribe. Strictly illegal. You should paraphrase Karl Marx by saying that smoking is the opiate of the masses. (d) Run -- the building is on fire.

While walking down Leninsky Prospect, you step on some broken glass. What should you do? (a) It wasn't glass but ice. Don't worry. (b) Stop in one of the many clinics in town. They are excellent -- and free, as well. (c) Don't worry. It was probably a vodka bottle, and therefore sterile. (d) Hail a cab and head immediately for the airport.

In population, Moscow is the _____ largest city in Europe. (a) First. (b) Third. (c) Seventh. (d) It isn't in Europe.

Building of the Kremlin began in: (a) 1917. (b) 854. (c) 1025. (d) 1785.

It is a little-known fact that the Kremlin churches were actually designed by: (a) Italians. (b) Greeks. (c) Tatars. (d) Phoenicians.

Moscow was founded at the confluence of three rivers: the Moskva, the Yauza and the: (a) Gryaznaya. (b) Uzhasnaya. (c) Neglinnaya. (d) Leninskaya.

The founder of Moscow is credited with having had an unusually large body part. It was: (a) CENSORED. (b) His nose. (c) His arms. (d) His ears.

The Romanov double-headed eagle was introduced by Ivan III in the 15th century to honor his wife. It was originally: (a) Mexican. (b) Roman. (c) Byzantine. (d) Audubon.

Culturally, Moscow has often been compared to: (a) Rio de Janeiro. (b) Rome. (c) Helsinki. (d) Trenton, New Jersey.

My answers: c, c, a, a, b, c, b, c, a, c, c, c, b.

If you could not get any of the questions, don't worry. It just means that you're still sane. If you got from two to five right, you're off to a good start getting to know Moscow. If you got five to 10 right, you've still got a few years of mental health left. Ten to 12 means permanent brain damage. If you got them all right, you've got no choice. Induce vomiting, hail a cab and head directly for the airport.